chae ;

Thursday, 15 January 2026 @ 03:14 0 stares

idk why i am writing this, honestly. probably because this is like the very first time i went out with a guy under a forced proximity, and when i got back from the trip, i just couldn't stop thinking about it. the other party probably won't remember this as much as i do, but i just want to write this down so i don't forget this moment. also, i am 100% sure right after i'm writing this, he will get himself a girl in the next few days, speaking based on my previous experiences. and it's not like i like LIKE him anyway. i am just in love with the moments. from yesterday.

so the story went like this, me and (ok let's just call this guy andrian), we have never spoken a word to each other, never been in the same group, and have never cross path throughout these 5 years of medical school. i have always viewed him as a snobby, good-for-nothing guy as he was ranked as like the #1 most good-looking guy in our batch (in which i did not agree at all). i couldn't care less about him, and the not-so-good stories about him did not help either. i never knew what he was like in real life, as i never had the chance to get to know him at all.

then, yesterday happened. there were three of us initially, and we were grouped into two groups. as it was an odd number, one of us needs to go to the visit alone. i was wishing that i was the one who got chosen to go on the home visit alone, as i do not wish to be stuck with a guy for one whole day. but guess what happened? i was grouped with andrian for the visit. i have never talked to him at all though we were in the same group for a short while. knowing how popular he is, he wouldn't want to talk to someone like me at all.

however this whole situation happened and i can say that he is not so bad, unlike what the others said. while waiting for the nurse to pick us up for the visit, we talked a lot. at first it was about the exams, then we got bored and talked about our personal lives. he even opened up about how he was raised by a single mum, and all. it was awkward at first but eventually we got pretty comfortable towards the end.

then the visit happened. but before that the nurse asked us to grab quick lunch before the going to our destination. the nurse just left us like that and we grab a lunch together, yes, just the two of us! i have never went out with a guy and eat in front of each other like this. oh god, can you imagine how awkward it was, eating with him, in a freaking food court? it was so weird and i just want to get out of there fast due to the awkwardness. and andrian, being a fast eater, did not help either. he initiated most of the conversations while we were eating and i wanted to thank the heavens for that.

we drove to the first house and it was the longest visit ever. we just sat there, watching the nurse counsel the entire troublesome family for almost 2 and half hours. we were not allowed to use our phones during the visit and our exam results were released during that period. we checked our results together and kinda like hyping each other up for passing the exams. i am so glad that i passed so that i wouldn't look so stupid in front of him. also i think it was cute how we have the exact same model of shoes with two very contrasting colours. since i only know one person who wear them, which is him, haha.

then we went to the second house, which took forever to let us in. they have dogs, like very big ones, so i got scared, of course because i am not allowed to touch them. then, this one poodle climbed on me, so andrian kinda like blocked the dog from me afterwards lol. then the day ended, we booked a grab back home which took ages to come. we talked and talked until the grab arrived. he opened the freaking door for me which made my heart flutter!!!!!! the grab driver was soooo talkative and told us a bunch of historical stories and we just tried to be interested because we were so damn tired from all the visits, and now we are stuck in a traffic jam together. we laughed a lot that day. i have never spent an entire day with a guy, and i can't believe the mr popular guy is the one i went out with. i really did not like him at all, he is nowhere close to my type, but after spending the day with him i realised that he is not so bad.

i hope both of us can still talk comfortably like this in the future and at least be friends. and i hope he had fun spending time with me, as much as i did.

just dance.

Sunday, 21 September 2025 @ 09:14 0 stares

currently listening to this sick 2000's baddie playlist which has a batman beyond gif because i need some energy.

some energy to go through tomorrow, the day after, and all the upcoming days because i am now officially a final year medical student... i honestly don't know what to feel or expect about that though.

i am honestly very nervous about this whole thing, but nothing good will come if i go through the days with fear and constant worrying. i just need to get through the period and get the degree at the end. only one year left, really. it's really close towards the end.

i just need to remind myself that there are literally so many people out there rooting for me and putting full trust in me to finish this. i need to make sure to not disappoint them and work hard! it will be 100 times harder this time around but i am sure i can make it. :)

smooth sailing.

Sunday, 18 May 2025 @ 10:59 0 stares

hi all! i changed my username for the 10000th time again. i feel like too many people knew that i go by s*turndelu*a (muted on purpose, just in case anyone would find me) so uyuchae should be fine right? i feel like using caps for the first letter was too formal so i turned it off. anyway, guess what? i actually bought bunch of stuffs for my 2025 journal but halfway through it became tiring so i resorted back to typing! it was too tedious having to write every day, and i am not the consistent type. so here i am again.

life update! i am currently in my 4th year of medical school and tomorrow will be the first day of my community posting. surprisingly enough, i managed to finish the 4 postings of 4th year smoothly without any remedial needed! that was so impressive for someone like me, since the first-year me would never ever have thought that i was able to go this far.

now that i reflected my journey again, i started off pretty slow and dumb, i used to take the back seat and never volunteer in any of the classes that we have, even got scolded by this one ED dr for not being knowledgeable enough. it was my fault entirely, but i did not really feel anything since i am used to being told off like that. anaesthesiology kind of changed me, since the lecturers were so supportive and encouraged the students to talk and volunteer. it kind of pushed me out of my comfort zone, and i was able to ask questions and talk more.

then, i made it out alive from o&g posting as well, and even got the scariest group for this posting. this was another posting that changed me to become braver and bolder. i even went against the scariest prof everyone has been talking about since the start of my medical school, and became close with her towards the end. it was a hell kind of experience but i will forever cherish the moments. but it does not end there, once again, i got another scary dr in psychiatry! he was actually not as bad as what people have been spreading around. he was pretty cocky and annoying but he told us that we are one of his favourites and that's more than enough.

for orthopaedics, i got another scary dr as my supervisor. i don't know what has gotten into me, but i got way too easily tired in this posting and could not enjoy most of it. and getting betrayed by my own close friend does not really help either. thank god, the drs were all so kind and willing to teach. the highlight of this posting was definitely my eop! it was the weirdest exam ive been through like which examiner would treat you to a drink after an exam??? but still, i passed. even the written ones. it was by a thin margin, but i am still glad that all my hard work paid off in the end!

i am so happy and fully satisfied with how much i've changed throughout my 4th year. i might get too attached and will be so sad to enter my final year :( but all in all, always be grateful and never forget your roots :)

faint traces of footprints on the beach.

Wednesday, 20 December 2023 @ 07:36 0 stares

Long story short, I made it through to my third year.

With lots of stepping on sharp seashells along the way, of course.

During my first year, I felt like quitting most of the time. I failed 2 major exams and got the lowest grade for one of them. I needed to take remedial classes while everyone else was out there enjoying their holiday. It was really hard back then. Somehow, I miraculously passed the remedial exam by a thin margin and managed to advance to the second year.

The second year was fun, I would say. I finally got to grasp what medical school is actually like. I have a good friend group who is always willing to study and motivate each other whenever one person is having a hard time. Thanks to them, I passed all the exams in my second year although my grade has been stagnant from the start. But hey, at least I passed! This particular period made me realise that I do actually want to become a good doctor. I have become so attached to this field that I would go extensive miles to achieve what I want.

Now, I have entered my third year which is the clinical year where I meet more real patients. Most of them have been so lovely and I do actually enjoy my life a lot now. I passed my first posting and am now currently in my second posting! It's too late to give up now and what I can do is just to walk ahead until I am satisfied enough. I hope I can make it until my 5th year, pre-internship, and until I graduate from med school. Lastly, until I got the 'Dr' title. :)

it should be forbidden to love again.

Sunday, 19 March 2023 @ 04:17 0 stares

It should be forbidden to love again. Especially when you get your heart broken so many times.

All my life, I have never been emotionally attached to someone specifically a person of a different gender. I do have a crush on someone before, but it's not that serious to the point that I want to tell them what I felt. It's just that they fit into my standards of liking and I enjoy admiring them from afar, nothing serious.

I do want to experience the feeling of 'being loved' at some point since it's something foreign and I have never been through something like that before. It must be calming, talking to someone who shares the same interest as you and having someone who's actually interested to know about your days. However, I stopped feeling this way because my crushes never work. It’s always one-sided. They will end up being far away from me and worse, got themselves a new partner the next few days. It has happened so many times that it eventually numbed myself from the feeling of despair. I have finally stopped having dumb crushes on someone to focus solely on myself now.

I get it’s fun to date, but looking back at my friends and their dates, or just people who have partners in general, I am never ready for that kind of commitments. I don’t want to feel unworthy when that person left or find someone better. I’ve had a hard time to finally reach the point where I can truly love myself and accept that I am special in my own way. I don’t want someone else to ever change the way I feel about myself. So that’s it. Isn’t it better to stay on your own for now? We are all still struggling to find the true meaning of life and love. For me, I still want to discover the meanings on my own and stop seeking them from others. I like how things are right now and I want it to stay that way, at least for now.

life updates, 4 years later.

Friday, 24 September 2021 @ 10:36 0 stares

I purposely chose this gif of Taku and Yutaka as this is the scene where they confronted after years of being apart from each other after their fight over Rikako. So let's pretend I am Taku and this blog is Yutaka since it's been years since I last touched this blog without any news just like them. Wait does that even make any sense? Who cares right, I still feel the responsibility to not leave this blog untouched without any news so here I am, writing some random entries in the middle of the night. Just like what I always did during my lower form days. Honestly, I do update sometimes but I think it's too childish to publish them as most of them are basically just some childish rants.

I always promised myself to write something here but some things came up and I ended up putting those so-called promises on hold, up until today. It got delayed so many times but this time around I really want to write something. There are so many things going on that I think it's just too much for me to handle. So I ended up coming here again. You know how I rarely tell my problems to others, I always write and write as my own coping mechanism but I don't really write that much these days. I keep on holding them back and it does stress the hell out of me sometimes. So here I am again.

Let me give a quick life update. So basically what happened after my last entry which is in 2017 was, yes. I do get accepted into a boarding school in Perak. It was really a bittersweet experience if you ask. I wouldn't say I love it, it gave me some traumas to be exact. Having to meet some weird people that almost make me leave that place, numerously cried myself to sleep and even thought of giving up. But I am still grateful for the opportunity. I got out of my comfort zone, found my true self, and finally got to see my own worth. All these times I always think that there's nothing to look forward to in myself. Whenever someone asked me what I want to become in the future, I never had that many plans. I just want to live a regular life as there's really not much to look forward to. Even people around me don't put that much hope in me. But after 2 years in that place, I finally found what I really want to achieve in life, which is doing the things I love while being able to love myself at the same time. I gained and learned so many things there. That even my 12 years old self wouldn't believe that I make it this far.

Who would have thought I could become the top student there? Surpassing people I never thought to even come near with. I even got to become a mentor in some subjects and even ended up getting all As for the hellish final exam.

Thankfully last year, my grades allowed me to enter the top foundation here. I feel like I am becoming my old self there honestly. I am very quiet and went missing most of the time as the university is so near to my house and only like 20 minutes away. As we are allowed to take online classes at home throughout the movement control order, I was home most of the time. I don't really have many friends apart from my tutorial-mates and I don't even recall anyone other than them. Thankfully again, I managed to get a pretty decent CGPA and ended up getting 3 out of 4 interviews for medical schools. All of them were hard honestly and I have already given up on pursuing medicine as I messed up real bad on all the interviews. But His plans are always so unexpected. I never thought to be accepted to the university again, this time with the hardest course to enter and the course of my dream! Now let me scream on top of my lungs: I am going to be a doctor!

So that's the life update. It's pretty boring and not so dramatic but I am very grateful how everything falls into its place perfectly. Although the roads to achieve all of these are very bumpy and I doubted myself along the way a lot, I am very sure this is the path I am going to go with and I am willing to do my best no matter how hard it is to reach the end road. I believe there is a whole garden with different kinds of flowers awaiting me. I just need to keep on going to reach them. :)

things that i should never forget.

Monday, 18 December 2017 @ 08:34 0 stares

1. stop being so angry. stop blasting your anger out in front of innocent people. it'll only make you look bad. stop being so angry ok? nash u can do this!! just take a deep breath and smile. you are better than this. confront with them and don't let the demon speak. be your true self. don't let anger take over your body and mind okay?

2. don't. slack.off. you should do all of your works just in time. don't procrastinate. it will lead to tiredness and laziness. don't do it ok? you should done it just like how you did back then in 2017.

3. never give up. maybe when you read this again, you are in boarding school already insyaAllah. don't ever think that what you did is wrong. you've made the right decision to get out of that place so just bear with it and most importantly, you should comeback with good grades not empty handed. remember this!! you can do it.

4. don't forget about your friends. and don't even think that you are just a burden. you bring happiness to many people. you are important to everyone. your friends might found new circle of friends but that doesn't mean they forgot about you. at some point, they need to find new ones too. and don't forget to meet them whenever they planned any hangouts.

5. your teachers are the most important one. don't forget to thank them whenever you finished studying. you wouldn't stand this high if it's not because of them. appreciate them.

6. don't.ever.talk.back.to.your.parents. they've spent a lot of money to get you here. they pray for you to succeed everyday and every night. they are the mostest important person in your life. they are your strength whenever you feel like giving up. you just want to see them happy right? so don't ever talk back or lie to them. you must work hard to pay back what they've done to you all these times. go show them what you can do! you got this!

7. don't let people take advantages on you. like who the fuck are they?? you wouldn't want to waste your precious times for them right? so just shoo them away.

8. don't fall in love. oh my god this is so cringey. but it maybe will happen?? don't forget that your jisoo is waiting for you!! hahahaha keep dreaming but it's not wrong tho. you love hong jisoo only don't forget that.

9. don't feel discouraged because of bad grades. those bad grades are the one that will make you work harder and harder. just like those times when you are in 2015,16,17. you struggled a lot. even failed in most of the subjects. but in the end you got good results. just work hard ok? you can do this.

10. make your parents proud. and make everyone proud. let's aim for straight A's again!

and say, mum i won this!!! :D ( sorry i just missed vernon so much )

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